Preface: Hey, all! For my first post for Hostile Takeover, I decided to share the result of one of my favorite assignments of the semester: write a "How to" in the style of Umberto Eco. Which is essentially just going on a sarcastic rant.
Modern technology is truly a
wondrous thing. An unimaginable amount of information is accessible through the
use of devices that can fit in your pocket. While much of this power is used to
view videos of cats, pirate music, and share embarrassing photos of friends and
family, the fact remains that the average upper-middle class member of Western
society can learn about the Napoleonic wars, find a new quinoa recipe, or watch
live events through hand-held gadgets. One use for all of this technology that
has seemingly gone unappreciated is the ability for the owners of such devices
to avoid the most frustrating and awkward task known to mankind: interacting
and conversing with other people.
I
have long pondered how to best be rid of people who keep wasting my time with
their petty needs, concerns, and insecurities. However, much like many other
members of my society, I have always tried to avoid being considered rude or
inconsiderate. I know that the best way to get people to stop bothering me is
to ignore them, but offending people can be potentially damaging to my career,
love life, and social standing. A miraculous device known as the smartphone has
provided me with the solution I have been seeking.
Through
the behavior of my peers, I quickly deduced that ignoring the people around you
is completely acceptable, so long as you are using a smartphone. After all, how
could you possibly justify being offended by somebody ignoring you if a
smartphone is involved? He could be answering an important e-mail, texting his
significant other who could not possibly survive for more than a few minutes
without hearing from him, watching a European football match, or setting a new
record in Angry Birds! Interacting with those who may be physically close at
the expense of these important tasks
would not only be inconvenient, it would be irresponsible! After some serious thought, I have
deduced how to properly use a smartphone to effectively block out the rest of
the world. These guidelines to smart phone and communication technology use are
by no means exhaustive, but are a good starting point to cutting down on time
wasted on having an actual conversation.
Under
no circumstances should a smartphone be used like the average mobile phone.
When voices become part of an interaction, a number of factors are immediately
added to the equation. Tone, volume, and timing all become important. This
needlessly complicates the conversation, which can often become as frustrating
as in-person interactions. Text-based conversations are the simplest, most
efficient method of communicating with your fellow human being.
Text-based
interactions are great because there is a type of communication perfect for any
situation. E-mails are great for formal messages and communicating with less
tech-savvy relatives. LinkedIn messages provide a less formal way to contact
potential employers, employees, or clients. The Facebook chatting system is
ideal for maintaining several social relationships simultaneously. Texting functions
similarly to the Facebook chatting system, but provides the illusion of
intimacy, making it the ideal medium for pursuing romantic interests. The
superior method of communication is, of course, “Tweeting”, since everybody
knows that anything that is worth saying can be said in 140 characters or less.
The
smartphone alone facilitates the use of
these methods of communication at all times, in almost any location.
These methods all boil human communication down to its simplest, most efficient
components. All of the frustrations and anxieties inherent in normal human
interaction are absent in these forms of communication, if they are used
correctly.
While
these are all effective at eliminating the awkwardness of standard conversation
from all intentional interactions, they do not account for unintentional
interactions. I have wasted many valuable minutes of my life chatting with
acquaintances that I encounter over the course of my average day. The
smartphone has provided me with a solution yet again. I can simply buy a pair
of headphones, plug them into my smartphone, and play the music that I have
stored on the device. Even if I am not actually listening to music, I can now
escape these random encounters with a simple nod or raising of the eyebrows. My
acquaintances know that it would be highly insensitive of them to expect me to
pause my music to converse with them. This method works best while on the move.
When standing still or sitting down, playing mind-numbingly simple games such
as Temple Run provide a legitimate excuse to ignore others.
An
added bonus to using the capabilities of a smartphone to minimize human
interaction is that it avoids the major pitfall associated with simply
remaining isolated: self-reflection. The only process more frustrating and
depressing than getting to know others is getting to know yourself. One of the
key benefits of human interaction is creating a safe place where personal
philosophies, insecurities, and failings need not be examined. Thankfully, the
smartphone keeps you occupied so that you need never be completely alone or
without distraction.
Social
networks, smartphones, and advances in communication technology are often
advertised as bringing people closer together. Ironically, these technologies
often do just the opposite, sucking us out of the real world and plugging us
into a virtual world where everything is simple, documented, and, most
importantly of all, efficient. This virtual world favors the quantity of
relationships at the expense of the quality of those relationships, allowing us
to connect with more people than previously possible, but at a shallower level.
These technologies allow you to learn a person's likes and dislikes, but do not
allow you to hold somebody and look into their eyes when they tell you that
they love you. The deepest and most rewarding relationships are sacrificed for
stream-of-consciousness ramblings to strangers. Most importantly, these
technologies rob us of the chance to know ourselves, to explore our own ideas,
and to grow as people. The scariest part is that we are willingly making these
sacrifices because the virtual world can be controlled, cleansing our
interactions of our natural fears, challenges, and insecurities. We do not want
to be scared any more, and do not fully realize what we are giving up along
with the spontaneity of personal interactions and introspection.
