How to Avoid Human Interaction

Preface: Hey, all! For my first post for Hostile Takeover, I decided to share the result of one of my favorite assignments of the semester: write a "How to" in the style of Umberto Eco. Which is essentially just going on a sarcastic rant.

Modern technology is truly a wondrous thing. An unimaginable amount of information is accessible through the use of devices that can fit in your pocket. While much of this power is used to view videos of cats, pirate music, and share embarrassing photos of friends and family, the fact remains that the average upper-middle class member of Western society can learn about the Napoleonic wars, find a new quinoa recipe, or watch live events through hand-held gadgets. One use for all of this technology that has seemingly gone unappreciated is the ability for the owners of such devices to avoid the most frustrating and awkward task known to mankind: interacting and conversing with other people.

I have long pondered how to best be rid of people who keep wasting my time with their petty needs, concerns, and insecurities. However, much like many other members of my society, I have always tried to avoid being considered rude or inconsiderate. I know that the best way to get people to stop bothering me is to ignore them, but offending people can be potentially damaging to my career, love life, and social standing. A miraculous device known as the smartphone has provided me with the solution I have been seeking.

Through the behavior of my peers, I quickly deduced that ignoring the people around you is completely acceptable, so long as you are using a smartphone. After all, how could you possibly justify being offended by somebody ignoring you if a smartphone is involved? He could be answering an important e-mail, texting his significant other who could not possibly survive for more than a few minutes without hearing from him, watching a European football match, or setting a new record in Angry Birds! Interacting with those who may be physically close at the expense of these important  tasks would not only be inconvenient, it would be irresponsible! After some serious thought, I have deduced how to properly use a smartphone to effectively block out the rest of the world. These guidelines to smart phone and communication technology use are by no means exhaustive, but are a good starting point to cutting down on time wasted on having an actual conversation.

Under no circumstances should a smartphone be used like the average mobile phone. When voices become part of an interaction, a number of factors are immediately added to the equation. Tone, volume, and timing all become important. This needlessly complicates the conversation, which can often become as frustrating as in-person interactions. Text-based conversations are the simplest, most efficient method of communicating with your fellow human being.

Text-based interactions are great because there is a type of communication perfect for any situation. E-mails are great for formal messages and communicating with less tech-savvy relatives. LinkedIn messages provide a less formal way to contact potential employers, employees, or clients. The Facebook chatting system is ideal for maintaining several social relationships simultaneously. Texting functions similarly to the Facebook chatting system, but provides the illusion of intimacy, making it the ideal medium for pursuing romantic interests. The superior method of communication is, of course, “Tweeting”, since everybody knows that anything that is worth saying can be said in 140 characters or less.

The smartphone alone facilitates the use of  these methods of communication at all times, in almost any location. These methods all boil human communication down to its simplest, most efficient components. All of the frustrations and anxieties inherent in normal human interaction are absent in these forms of communication, if they are used correctly.

While these are all effective at eliminating the awkwardness of standard conversation from all intentional interactions, they do not account for unintentional interactions. I have wasted many valuable minutes of my life chatting with acquaintances that I encounter over the course of my average day. The smartphone has provided me with a solution yet again. I can simply buy a pair of headphones, plug them into my smartphone, and play the music that I have stored on the device. Even if I am not actually listening to music, I can now escape these random encounters with a simple nod or raising of the eyebrows. My acquaintances know that it would be highly insensitive of them to expect me to pause my music to converse with them. This method works best while on the move. When standing still or sitting down, playing mind-numbingly simple games such as Temple Run provide a legitimate excuse to ignore others.

An added bonus to using the capabilities of a smartphone to minimize human interaction is that it avoids the major pitfall associated with simply remaining isolated: self-reflection. The only process more frustrating and depressing than getting to know others is getting to know yourself. One of the key benefits of human interaction is creating a safe place where personal philosophies, insecurities, and failings need not be examined. Thankfully, the smartphone keeps you occupied so that you need never be completely alone or without distraction.

Social networks, smartphones, and advances in communication technology are often advertised as bringing people closer together. Ironically, these technologies often do just the opposite, sucking us out of the real world and plugging us into a virtual world where everything is simple, documented, and, most importantly of all, efficient. This virtual world favors the quantity of relationships at the expense of the quality of those relationships, allowing us to connect with more people than previously possible, but at a shallower level. These technologies allow you to learn a person's likes and dislikes, but do not allow you to hold somebody and look into their eyes when they tell you that they love you. The deepest and most rewarding relationships are sacrificed for stream-of-consciousness ramblings to strangers. Most importantly, these technologies rob us of the chance to know ourselves, to explore our own ideas, and to grow as people. The scariest part is that we are willingly making these sacrifices because the virtual world can be controlled, cleansing our interactions of our natural fears, challenges, and insecurities. We do not want to be scared any more, and do not fully realize what we are giving up along with the spontaneity of personal interactions and introspection.